Wednesday, September 19, 2012

5 years of a whole new life...

When I sit back and think of five years from now, I do see what is to come but can't even imagine beyond my vision what God has in store for me. It was a LONG but QUICK five years ago on Saturday that I lost my brother at the age of 23. A day that changed my life forever, pulled me from things, pushed me to things, and forever left a gaping hole in my heart. Five years ago I was 8 weeks pregnant with one of the most amazing gifts God has given me. A child that saved me, healed me, and brought more joy to my life than I could have thought possible for one life to do. His life brought my life back. Through the extreme depression and stress on my body, his pregnancy stuck with not a single problem. Five years ago I went to work happy as could be and went home empty as could be. My days and nights ran together, full of tears and heartache. My alone car rides were pleads and angry yelling at God to take my pain away that felt like it was never going to get better. My marriage that had just begun was weak because I hated him for no reason, but the simple fact he was the easiest person to release on. Five years ago when I would think about how each day quickly ended with out him there was depressing, I couldn't imagine a month, then a month rolled around, then it was 6 months, then a year... You just never imagine 5 years with out someone you love. 5 years is one of those "milestones" that I just never thought of because it was so far away. But yet some how it has quickly come. I never thought I would have so much joy after such heartache. The past five years have been the best years of my life when I think of my blessings. The birth of such a miracle baby boy, 1 out of state move, quit my job to be a SAHM, and now almost 30 weeks pregnant with our second little miracle baby boy. How did I get so lucky?! Five years quickly passed but not a single memory has faded. My life may have "moved on" but he will forever be a HUGE part of my life. His death shaped me into the woman I am today, the relationship I have with God and the strength to push through something like non other. I am so very lucky I was blessed with 20 years to be his sister and to make so many memories with him. Words could not express how much I wish he was here but peace in my heart help me cope with missing him each and every day.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A life changing four years

Four years ago today at 3:23am I gave birth to the most beautiful blue eyed baby boy. My sweet FOUR year old has stolen my heart....Wrapped it around his finger and melted it millions of times already in four years with his sweetness and kindness! When I first laid eyes on him my life had changed for the third time in 10 months! There is a change of life when you get married...Pure joy and in love with your spouse and so happy to finally be married to him! Then there is a change of complete heartache for what felt like eternity after the passing of a sibling..It feels like your life will never go back to happy....Then there is a change when you lay eyes on your child for the firs time. It is almost indescribable. The love that automatically takes over your heart, the pure joy of seeing that sweet face you've been dreaming about for 9 months, seeing the human that was living inside of you keeping you alive every day after the most gut wrenching life change. I just cant even begin to describe how much I love this boy! Four years of complete joy watching him grow into what I think is a perfect little boy. He has given my life so much and I am so thankful that God chose ME to be his earthly mommy out of the billions of women on this planet. He chose ME!!!! I am so lucky to be Logan's mommy. Today I am blessed with the memories of bringing Logan into this world. Just to give you a quick giggle at one of the memories Josh and I have of d-day...Literally a few minutes after delivering Logan, Josh looked at me and said-Well, 1 down 3 more to go!! Now you must know I felt nothing during my delivery and my labor was only ruff for 30 or so minutes so I just giggled at him..Our amazing Doctor kindly told him...You better watch what you say!! Little did we know those 3 more would only turn into 1 more (unless there is a twin hiding somewhere in my belly!) 3 years later! I love the memories Logan has brought into our life. The laughter, the tears of joy, the heart warming hugs and kisses and the LOVE... Happy Birthday to the most amazing FOUR year old I know. Mommy loves you to the moon and back a billion times and more!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Random Acts of Kindness

It's a new year. For some it's trying to be a new you. A new diet. A new boyfriend. Whatever it might be, share the LOVE!!! It wasn't until last year that I started doing random acts of kindness. Why did I wait so long! (you must excuse my blog post that should have question marks in them as my question mark key is not working :p ) But really, why doesn't everyone do one random act of kindness at least weekly! I don't have them happen to me often..Very rarely actually. But I could care less about receiving. It's about giving! The feelings I get when I help someone or gift them something is incredible. And its plain as day that people don't see RAOK (random acts of kindness) often, because every time I do one; the person is blown away or I get some crazy look! It's quite funny actually. On Christmas Eve when my son, my mom and my self went to the mall to pass out reindeer guide and candy canes to random kids we got the strangest looks even though we said this is a RAOK. And one day while I asked to pay for the person behind me at Starbucks the cashier took a double take before she grabbed my card. One RAOK that left me giggling was on Christmas Eve when I left our mailman a thing of puppy chow in our mailbox with a note attached "Thank you for all your hard work. Merry Christmas, Enjoy!" I happen to be upstairs in the laundry room when he came and was looking out the window to see his reaction. He took a few looks at the house to see if anyone was outside or looking (to say thanks I'm sure) but he sat for about 3 minutes before he pulled off. I kept wondering what he was doing because we did not have a package.. No, no....He was chowing down on his puppy chow! LoL! It made me smile. A week later he left us a letter in our mailbox thanking us for the "not sure what that was but it was delicious!"
My point is...This world could use a lot more RAOK. I hope you can receive the joy that it has brought me in doing so!

Here are a few ideas of some RAOK:

1-Leave a treat for your mailman
2-Bring some bake goodies to your neighbors
3-Pick up the tab for the person behind you in the drive thru (I always ask the amount, just to make sure it isn't some ridiculous amount like $50.00! ;) )
4-Leave quarters on the gum machines at the mall, grocery store etc
5-Take coloring books to a local children's hospital and pass them around
6-Purchase $5.00 gift cards to Starbucks and randomly pass them out
7-Hold the door for the person behind you and say "Have a great day!"
8-Take water or can soda out to your garbage men
9-If you are expecting a package from UPS,FEDEX etc give them a little treat for the road. (They are hard workers you know!)
10-Make cards for the elderly in a local nursing home. If you have children have them decorate them.
11-Take a thank you card and treats to your local fire station, police station and hospital and tell them you greatly appreciate their hard work.
12-Send someone a card in the mail randomly with out having to be a occasion
13-Take your mom flowers with out it being a occasion
14-Pay someone's lay away bill at walmart or kmart (I do realize this could be pricy, depending on your budget you could always just pay some of it)
15-Call the electric or water company and let them know you would like to pay in full or toward someones electric-water bill. Ask if they can find one that is already pass due
16-Someone you know just have a baby, not feeling good, or stressed..Offer to bring them dinner one night
17-Go to a local playground and pass out $ store coloring books and a few crayons attached. Let the parents know before you approach the children that this is a RAOK.
18-Help the elderly put groceries in their car (Let them know it is a RAOK so they don't think you want to rob them)
19-offer a couple of hours of free babysitting to fellow friends
20-Give care packs to the homeless (travel sized shampoo,conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrush, bar of soap, and a candy bar in a gallon size zip lock bag.)
21-Leave small gift (travel size lotions etc) for your waitress
22-pay someones tolls behind you
23-Don't try to make money off of your old clothing-find someone who really needs the help and donate them.
24-Give your child's teacher a special gift with a card attached with your appreciation.
My list could go on but I hope this encourages you to brighten someone's day!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Praying for my child...

When I was young I was brought to church on and off. There would be weeks where we could go every Sunday and then months of spans when we didn't go. Then there would be years. I attended youth group occasionally for in my head it was for the social gathering and yet I don't think I ever walked away with knowledge of the Lord-sadly. Looking back I don't think that was my intention but I didn't have a relationship with God I should have had back then and my flesh was just not focusing on the words the youth Pastor would say. Truthfully I don't think I can re call where I actually felt like I had a personal relationship with God until after my brothers death. Even after it took a few months of pleading everything possible, praying for relief of heartache, praying for the pain to stop, and down right begging on my knees for God to save me. That is when I started to realize I was depending on God for my daily survival of my "new life" after death. As the 4 years and 3 months have passed I have fallen into the deepest love with God. I have a amazing personal relationship with Him. One that I wish I had started many many MANY years ago! Being that I didn't grow up in church, I have been left with out practically any knowledge of God besides the basics most everyone knows. I would continually pray that God would guide my heart on a path that would fill me with everything of Him. I have to say it has been a amazing journey and I would never turn back. God has answered so many prayers.
I think God hears all of our prayers. No matter how small or how big they are. My prayers varied from subject to subject depending on what my heart was needing that day. It wasn't until I started reading The power of a praying wife and the power of a praying parent that I realized.....My prayers NEED to be SO much more!!! That in my heart I knew what I wanted but I didn't quite pray for the specific things the way I should have been. Prayer is a powerful thing..
As I grow in my relationship with Christ every day I can only hope that Logan will grow up continuing to love God as much as he does now. That his heart will continue to thirst for more knowledge of God. I always felt these things but never truly prayed for them. The book the power of a praying parent has truly tought me how to pray. I just wanted to share one of them that gave me comfort in Logan's future in my prayers.
Lord, I pray for (Child's name) to have an ever-increasing hunger for more of You. May he long for Your presence-long to spend time with You in prayer,praise and worship. Give him a desire for the truth of Your word and a love for Your laws and Your ways. Teach him to live by faith and be led by the Holy Spirit, having an availability to do what You tell him to do. May he not have any allegiances or diversions away from You, but rather may he be repulsed by ungodliness and all that is in opposition to You. May a deep reverence and love for You and Your ways color everything he does and every choice he makes. Help him to understand the consequences of his actions. May he not be wise in his own eyes but rather "fear the Lord and depart from evil" (Proverbs 3:7)
This prayer made me realize- I NEED to pray this every day for Logan. I am saddened that my brother's death is what made and gained my relationship with Christ. I pray that Logan's is started from his heart and not his hurt like mine (of course mine grew to my heart thirsting for God!)
I feel that there are so many people out there that are not aware of the power of praying. A prayer from your heart, a true meaningful prayer...It's amazing and the best talk you can ever have with someone (Him!)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Amazing Generosity

Twelve days ago I posted a blog about a former co worker of my husbands who passed away in a tragic car accident caused by a semi truck driver that didn't realize he was stopping due to a traffic jam and going 65 mph slammed right into him. The truck driver was driving while impaired, had possession of methadone, possession of marijuana, and possession of drug paraphernalia.My husband told me today that the state of NC has said this is the worst accident in history in this state. Because of this careless person, A husband, a father to three children, a son and many more titles he carried has been taken far to soon.I was instantly touched by this and still tear up daily thinking about the situation. Today I found out that him and his wife had been married for SEVENTEEN years! I just couldnt imagne loosing my best friend. When I wrote the first blog post about the accident I said I was taking donations to help the family with bills,a grocery gift card, and to get the kids something. I had fifteen people make a donation that lead me to raise $300.00 for John's family!!! With the amazing help from these people I was able to pay $50.00 towards their next electric bill (the electric company said the next statement was Friday so perfect timing!), buy a $185.00 grocery gift card, get the basic school supplies for the twins going into second grade and purchase some goodies for the kids!
Tonight I went over to deliver the goodies for her. As we turned on her street my husband told me that the twins call their dad's phone every night to hear his voice. At that moment of course tears were coming! I had to sit in the driveway for a few minutes to compose my self before I walked into her house. Once we got in, there were quite a few people there so I didn't want to barge in on her company for to long. When I went to walk and get the huge bag of stuff to give her, the tears just started flowing. I told myself not to cry but of course couldn't help it given the situation!! Oh my heart just breaks for them. As I started showing her the kids goodies, she started to cry, the look on her face was indescribable as she was surprised. After I showed her all the kids goodies I told her that I had paid $50 towards her next electric bill and handed her the envelope with the grocery gift cards in it. I of course told her about the fifteen amazing people that helped me make this happen and she told me to tell each of you THANK YOU! Because of your generosity you impacted a life tonight that you didn't even know. A life that could have used a little smile tonight and you helped me deliver that smile! Here are the goodies I purchased along with the $50.00 towards her electric bill.

This is for the twelve year old-her mom said she loves B&BW!

This was for the seven year old twin boy

This was for the seven year old twin girl

I looked at the school supply list at the store and picked up the majority for her for the twins

Grocery gift cards

I want to send a HUGE thanks to everyone who prayed for this family! I know from my own personal struggle with my brothers death that nothing brought me out of my depression and sadness except prayers to God.Prayers area amazing and I thank you for thinking of this family! When I was purchasing all of these different items I had the greatest feeling inside of me. It felt so great to help this family. As we were shopping my little boy Logan kept saying, mommy can we get this present for the kids that lost their daddy. I was happy to have him be apart of this so he could learn compassion and caring. I was amazed that he didn't pick out one toy for himself but all for the kids. Each night we have added them to our prayers before bed. I want to send a HUGE thanks to those who could financially help:
Courtney Jozsa
Kristi Demeree
Cristina Smith
Joyanna Silverstein
Flo Ward
June Resler
Tiffany Todd
Jennifer Elwell
Chrissy Bengel
Eunice Henmen
Bryan Borsum
Ashley Hentges
Elyse Hurley
Jan Henderson and
Tara Burho

Friday, July 1, 2011

A life gone in a second...

This morning when I called my husband to chat he informed me that a guy he used to work with passed away in a horrible car crash yesterday afternoon. With out going into much detail I looked up the crash on local news sites. Little did I know it was this tragic and bad...
This photo is of his red ford truck smashed against the semi truck that hit him. I don't need to go into how bad it was because you can see in the picture just how bad it was. I met John once last Christmas Eve when he came over with another guy from my husbands work to ride dirt bikes and his four wheeler. He was a very nice guy. He had three children that I believe are ages 4 and twins that are 7. My heart just breaks for his family. As almost every blog post I write, I always talk about my brothers passing. I know the extreme pain, and heartache they are going through. My brother isn't replaceable, and neither is their dad. Three young kids that's now have to grow up with out their father. Why???!! Because a semi truck driver didn't realize he was stopping due to a traffic jam and going 65 mph slammed right into him. The truck driver was driving while impaired, had possession of methadone, possession of marijuana, and possession of drug paraphernalia. A state trooper at the scene said it was one of the worst accidents he has ever seen especially with so many cars involved. My husbands former co-worker was not the only one killed. He killed two others that were involved. These three kids thought their daddy was on his way home and didn't know they would never get to see him again. I just don't understand why people have to drink and drive and drive under the influence of drugs, let alone do drugs in general!
I have never met John's wife before, or his three children. Knowing the pain I have went through from my brothers death I can't help but have them on my mind ever since I found out. I thought loosing my brother was tuff. I thought going back to work was tuff. I thought breathing was unfair if he couldn't... Imagine how his wife feels who now carries the pain of loosing her husband and the father of her three kids who wont get to have their daddy anymore. Imagine explaining to your children that daddy isn't coming home, that he has gone home to Heaven. It doesn't matter if I have never met her or not, I feel in my heart I need to help her. I would like to set up a donation for his family. If every person who reads this, shares this, and they each donate $5, we can help this Mom that is now a Widow as much as possible. With a family used to two incomes, and raising three small children I want to help her as much as possible. With all the money I raise, I would like to buy her grocery gift cards, I would like to buy the kids something, and hopefully pay at least one of her major bills (electric or water) for a month. Even helping her this little, to her it will be BIG. After my brother passed away, we had people come in our home we hadn't seen in YEARS, DECADES! They brought us groceries, dinners that lasted forever, they cleaned..and we didn't ask for anything. When you go through this pain, and shock you don't think of any of those things. In fact, you could care less if you eat daily...Most of the time you don't want to eat! I ask that you please consider helping this family. I can promise you, that every single donation will be contributed to her. I always said that God will give me a purpose through my pain, helping others who loose a loved one. Any donation counts, large or small and it is ALL greatly appreciated. If you cant donate, I ask that you please pray for this family. For his children. Please pray that they will find peace in their heart.

TO make a donation you can donate via pay pal to email or send a check to Kristin Cole 1471 Remington Lane NW concord nc 28027. Either way you send it can you please note on their that it is for this cause. I will personally send you a thank you card with a receipt of all the bills, grocery gift cards that I have bought. Thank you in advance!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Your 4 year vision...

Tonight is a sleepless night. For no reason, just cant fall asleep. Whats a girl to do past midnight and cant sleep? Computer ofcourse! No editing for this mommy tonight but a glance through pictures. No certian folder just wanted to look at pictures. I came across my album from Sept 2008. Our trip to Sanibel Island for my brothers one year anniversary of his death. My baby was so small, just a little over 5 months when we went. My oldest brother didnt have his awesome gf, my sister was still a single momma to one, and we were all still grieving in many different ways....Ofcourse tears came flowing and thoughts came rushing back and my heart sank to my stomach. That year felt like it was a life time. It felt like it was more like 10 years. It was a very slow year. Everyday was filled with tears and heartache that felt like it was growing by the pounds and sitting on my heart. It was a year full of alot of different emotions for me from getting married, getting pregnant, loosing my brother, giving birth, and loosing Josh's grandma. You think a normal pregnant lady is emotional, you should have lived in my house! ;) That first year was L-O-N-G! As I sat and stared at pictures of our trip and then pictures of my brother I thought about the other 2 years and 9 months that have gone by. Where did they go? It doesnt seem like he has been gone for nearly 4 years. It feels like just yesterday I gave birth to Logan, celebrated his first birthday, celebrated his second birthday and boom now we just celebrated his THIRD! Seriously! THREE! I am so lucky to have such a amazing little boy who makes his mommies heart melt in a much different way then it used to 3 years and 9 months ago! I used to go to bed begging God to rewind my life..Now, I get so anxious to wake up, (literally I wake up at 5:45am and fight my body till at least 7am!) and see what God has in store for me that day. My life is so full of joy now! And I can thank Logan for every single peice of that joy! If you would have asked me 7 years and 9 months ago what my future would look like in four years, I wouldnt have said I would be dealing with a loss of my brother. If you would have asked me 3 years 9 months ago where I would be in four years I wouldnt have said HAPPY! I most likley would say sad,depressed and still trying to rewind my days back to sept 22 2007. We are never sure what the next day holds, or what our furture four years from now holds...But I do know that I can truley say I trust God for what his plan is for tomorrow,the next day, next year, and so on! I am so happy with where my life is today. It has taken some very bumpy roads and pulled a lot of things in and out of my life but God know why and will guide me! So when you think of four years from now....what do you invision?? It may not end up being what you think...But if you have Faith all will be okay!