Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Oh horriable thoughts.....

The past week and a half I can not fall asleep for anything! I lay in bed and constantly think to myself that I might not wake up in the morning. No im not talking about simply rolling out of bed, im talking NEVER wake up! When I was little I used to have horrid fears that my dad would never make it home and I would never get to see him again. ( My parents were divorced and my dad was a over the road driver.) Sometimes I would lay in bed and cry because I was SO afraid that something would happen to him. Now that my brother passed away at such a young age (23) I fear that something is going to happen to me and I wont wake up the next day to my amazing husband and my precious little boy. For the past week or so I just lay there thinking what if i dont wake up? Will Josh know what to do? Will he know when to pay the bills? Will my boys know just how much I loved them? Will Logan replace me with another mommy? I tear up at all those thoughts every night. I have come to a conclusion to help me feel "better" and feel more secure that my boys can live on with out me if something was to happen today,tomorrow, or months from now, that I am going to organize every little thing in our life. Pictures will all be in albums, pictures will be put in frames and displayed, everything will be labled. Now dont get me wrong, I am a VERY organized person as it is but I still dont feel that is enough. I handel pretty much everything in our life as far as bills, budget, grocery shopping, etc. Josh has NO idea how to do any of it and that scares me! He once told me that if something happened to me he wouldnt know what to do when it came to bills etc! He said he didnt even know where I kept them... YIKES! I will write each of my boys a letter that will be sealed tight in my purse until the day something does happen to me. A letter for each of them knowning how much I love them and what I hope for their future. As a mom, and a mom that is SUPER in love with her son, I fear that if I did not make it one day that Logan will grow up not remembering me, or replacing me with a new mommy, or that everything I have taught him will go down the drain. Out of all my worries, leaving my son is by far the biggest fear I have. Writting letters to your loved ones incase you dont make it one day is not anything I ever wanted to do.. I hope no one ever wants to or enjoys it but it is deffiently something that will make me feel more comfotorable if something is to happen to me before Logan is at a age to understand the world and take care of things for himself. My goal is to have everything done by the end of March and each day until then and every day after that I pray that God lets me wake up each day to watch my son grow. I will blog some images after I finish all my organization!

I know you may be thinking I am crazy for even thinking about this but have you ever stepped back and thought... What if I am not here tomorrow?

Monday, February 14, 2011

careful planning or hurry and scurry??

Every day I get "today's word with Joel Osteen"emails. Some days they don't go with what I need to hear that day but most of the time they do. Other times I read them and get re encouraged to do what I already do. This was one of those re encouragement ones. Each night, or if I fail to do it the night before, each morning I make a to do list. My list include all from cleaning details, activities to do with Logan, what we are doing for learning activities that day, places to go, and just the simplest other things. But they keep me on track to do what I need for that day and also to organize our day to give Logan a great day too! I just love reading Joel Osteen's daily emails. Here is the one to go with my post.....

It’s amazing how taking a few minutes at the start of each day to plan and set your thoughts in the right direction can help you get ahead and empower you to accomplish so much more.But too often, people get so caught up in the activity of life that they tend to just “go with the flow” instead. Of course, I’m not saying we shouldn't be flexible, but when it comes to your life, you should be the one setting the flow. Of course, unexpected things happen. Our days won’t always go according to plan, but if you’ll take time each day to set your heart and mind in the right direction, you’ll be equipped for whatever comes your way! Today I encourage you, make make plans to start your day right and set your thoughts in the right direction.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Some FAB blogs!

Here are some blogs I thought you might enjoy!

I love, love, love this blog this couple created while re-doing their first home. They have now moved to a new home and are starting all over with that one!

This blog has a mix of things. I have found a TON of ideas off of here. There are a lot of her ideas I am re creating for our upcoming parties!

This is a great site that has a blog as well for christian homeschooling moms

This site is great for christian parenting

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

To love a child

Every day when I look at Logan I see such a pure life. His little body and soul are so clean. Have you ever heard the song, (i may be wrong with the title) in my arms? It's a christan song about a mom loving her son and protecting him from the world. Everytime I hear that song it just reminds me of how important it is to love your child and protect them. They come into this world not knowing what evil is out there. Sadly one day they will realize that this world we call home is not pure like what he thought when he was younger. He will find that people lie, steal, hurt, abuse, and not believe in God, the creater of Heaven and Earth and who gave us life.

I said in my last post how I wake up everyday knowing I can't take that day for granted. Sometimes I roll out of bed and it's not the first thing that pops in my mind but I am later reminded when I slowly start to loose patience, like every mom now and then, and I step back and realize what im doing. Sure our children will push our buttons, do things they arnt suppose to and act in ways we never wished for them too! When those things happen to you what do you do? How do you react? Do you spank, yell, cuss, walk away and take a break, calmly have a talk with your child and embrace them? When I was pregnant I knew that I wanted to show Logan love in every situation. Doesn't matter how big or bad it might be. Yes there are times where I raise my voice and realize it and calm it down but for the most part I try to explain to him why it upset us, why he got in trouble, what he's doing wrong etc. I do spank his hand (not much anymore) if he does something repeatdly. When I say spank, its more of a tap but enough to get his attetion. When I think of parents who beat the life out of their children it upsets me so bad. What does it do for that child? Do they really think that is going to make them listen better? Okay ya, maybe for the hour or so that they hurt from it and remember it but most likley it will start to build up in them and they will start to act out because they are so angry at you for hurting them. EVERY child deserves love. When you look at all the children who do act out, look at the childhood they have/had. It wasn't good was it? And most who talk about it will tell you they didnt feel loved. LOVE is a major roll in being a parent in my eyes. You are also your childs first rolemodel so why not set the best example for them. So it takes work!?! Who's not willing to work for creating a child into a loving man/woman.
I just can't help but look at Logan and fall all over again in love with him each and every day. It breaks my heart that one day he will see the truth about what life holds now a days and I pray that God guides me as a parent in the right direction in raising Logan to be a outstanding man when he gets older and know whats right from wrong. I dont doubt that he will do things that are wrong or that he will never upset me. All I can do is pray for Josh and I in being his parents and for Logan that we all stay on the right path in life.
You are your childs protection from the storm, the shelter from the wind. Why wait for the storm to hit when you can start preparing now? If you are a mom, you would love to listen to the song I mentioned up top. :)

Today I wish my brother in Heaven a happy 27th birthday. Life isn't the same with out him. I am so thankful for the wonderful years I had with him! xoxo

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Let's begin!

Well I told myself I wanted to start a "my life" blog in the new year. Here I am, 2 months late! :p I had such relief when I blogged after my brother passed away that I decided I should start a my life blog and write about my day's, my thoughts, my parenting and whatever else comes to my finger tips! At some points I may not make sence, or be potically correct but that's my life! I hope you enjoy reading my blog in whatever brings you here but I'm glad you came. So here it goes.....!

Where to begin? Most everyone in my life knows I lost my 23 year old brother when I was 20, 8 weeks pregnant and a newlywed to my highschool sweetheart. Let me just tell you I waited my ENTIRE life to become a wife and mommy so at this point in my life I was BEYOND excited, happy, and blessed. Then Sept 22nd 2007 came around and turned my life upside down. I became severly depressed, extremely saddened, hibernated in my house, and just overall shut down my life it felt like. All I could do was cry it seemed. I shut everyone out. After months of crying every night, and loosing hope that things would get better I was lossed on who to turn to. I had a amazing Pastor that guided me every step but I still felt I needed more.

When I was growing up, I knew God, I believed in God but I didn't live by God. I was sadly the typical American that "knew" God but lived life my way not God's way. Why did I need to change my way's? I had a great life so why not think my way was perfect?!? It was at the point of being lost in my life and doing it my way that I finally turned to God to become more a part of my life. To pick me up with his loving hands and help me recover from a death I never thought I would recover from. I began to listen to Christan music and find my self listening to mostly nothing but, reading Christian marriage books because the fact was my marriage was falling apart when it had just begun due to my depression. I began to pray about every thing. I begged God to help me. To pull me out of what I was going through because even though the personal standing beside me couldn't tell but I was loosing myself. I was loosing my life to saddness and depression. All while carrying my amazing son. (insert tears now) I knew I couldn't keep going on with so much weight and stress on me of my "new" life with out my brother while trying to carry a healty child.

I knew that I was lucky to get pregnant within the first month of trying with Logan but it wasnt until my brother passed away that I learned I was carrying my miracle child. Three things got my through my recovery; God, Pastor Brian, and my amazing Logan. If I wasn't pregnant I'm not sure where I would be, what I would have done, or how I would have recovered. But it was at this point that I knew God had blessed me with this amazing child at the right time. God knows our life and the plan he has for us. We may not see what's coming, what to expect, or even understand when he does change our life but all I know is God is ALWAYS right. Ofcourse we arn't going to understand when he takes our loved ones from us, or let's things in our life happen that we dont think should but he has a plan and we have to trust Him.

Now my precious Logan is almost three and I couldn't be happier in my life and where I am today. I am fully recovered and yes I say that, (i'd love to shout it) in a wonderful happy voice because I am SOOO happy to be out of such emotions and hurt and be happy for my brother. After all he is living life better than we are right?! He doesn't have to live in a world full of hate, hurt, crime, abuse, and everything else this world brings. They say Heaven is our home and this life WE call life is temporary. Three weeks ago I gave my entire life to God. Having God in my life has made such a difference in me, for the better ofcourse. It's a feeling you can't describe. It's a feeling of constant comfort and love thats for sure.

I am so happy to be a loving mommy to a wonderful and most perfect (in my eyes) little angel I know God sent me. I roll out of bed everyday knowing I CAN'T take this day for granted because I know for a fact we dont know what that day holds. I love my son more than anyone will ever know and I can't wait for the day he knows just how special he is to me! I am so lucky to have a husband that supports us and gives me the gift to stay home with Logan and give him the life I have always dreamed of. All I ever wanted in life is what I have now, minus my brother being gone. I believe I had to go through so much pain and heartache to learn and grow as a person. To become a better person and to learn that I can't live MY way anymore. (yes you have no idea how hard it was to give up my life and hand it to God because I am Kristin, I think eveything I say is right!) ;)

Today we are on our way to FL (9 hour road trip that started at 4am). I had to drive first because my hubby can't see well at all when it's dark and pouring rain too! While I was driving (note that my brother who is gone home birthday is this Tuesday) and my two boys were softly snoring ;) I began to think about all this situation and how greatful for ALL that God has done for my life.

My brother's birthday is on Tuesday and as I drove and heard my boys lightly snoring I thought about how happy I am for my brother. That he lived a great life, accomplished more than I could have ever ( he was a genius), and is now living a perfect life. Why shouldn't I be happy for him? I couldn't have thought this way 2 years ago.I would have been sad all day and dwelled on the fact that he isnt here. But I have learned that will get me no where. I am thankful for my amazing family and siblings that are still with me. I wouldn't trade them for the world. It's amazing the things God puts you through to gain such a life but then again I must trust Him. :)

I believe I have a sole purpose in my life to be a mommy and to hopefully one day help someone through what I went through.

Well there you have it, my long, un-organized post. I hope that you dont take a day for granted. :)