Wednesday, September 19, 2012

5 years of a whole new life...

When I sit back and think of five years from now, I do see what is to come but can't even imagine beyond my vision what God has in store for me. It was a LONG but QUICK five years ago on Saturday that I lost my brother at the age of 23. A day that changed my life forever, pulled me from things, pushed me to things, and forever left a gaping hole in my heart. Five years ago I was 8 weeks pregnant with one of the most amazing gifts God has given me. A child that saved me, healed me, and brought more joy to my life than I could have thought possible for one life to do. His life brought my life back. Through the extreme depression and stress on my body, his pregnancy stuck with not a single problem. Five years ago I went to work happy as could be and went home empty as could be. My days and nights ran together, full of tears and heartache. My alone car rides were pleads and angry yelling at God to take my pain away that felt like it was never going to get better. My marriage that had just begun was weak because I hated him for no reason, but the simple fact he was the easiest person to release on. Five years ago when I would think about how each day quickly ended with out him there was depressing, I couldn't imagine a month, then a month rolled around, then it was 6 months, then a year... You just never imagine 5 years with out someone you love. 5 years is one of those "milestones" that I just never thought of because it was so far away. But yet some how it has quickly come. I never thought I would have so much joy after such heartache. The past five years have been the best years of my life when I think of my blessings. The birth of such a miracle baby boy, 1 out of state move, quit my job to be a SAHM, and now almost 30 weeks pregnant with our second little miracle baby boy. How did I get so lucky?! Five years quickly passed but not a single memory has faded. My life may have "moved on" but he will forever be a HUGE part of my life. His death shaped me into the woman I am today, the relationship I have with God and the strength to push through something like non other. I am so very lucky I was blessed with 20 years to be his sister and to make so many memories with him. Words could not express how much I wish he was here but peace in my heart help me cope with missing him each and every day.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A life changing four years

Four years ago today at 3:23am I gave birth to the most beautiful blue eyed baby boy. My sweet FOUR year old has stolen my heart....Wrapped it around his finger and melted it millions of times already in four years with his sweetness and kindness! When I first laid eyes on him my life had changed for the third time in 10 months! There is a change of life when you get married...Pure joy and in love with your spouse and so happy to finally be married to him! Then there is a change of complete heartache for what felt like eternity after the passing of a sibling..It feels like your life will never go back to happy....Then there is a change when you lay eyes on your child for the firs time. It is almost indescribable. The love that automatically takes over your heart, the pure joy of seeing that sweet face you've been dreaming about for 9 months, seeing the human that was living inside of you keeping you alive every day after the most gut wrenching life change. I just cant even begin to describe how much I love this boy! Four years of complete joy watching him grow into what I think is a perfect little boy. He has given my life so much and I am so thankful that God chose ME to be his earthly mommy out of the billions of women on this planet. He chose ME!!!! I am so lucky to be Logan's mommy. Today I am blessed with the memories of bringing Logan into this world. Just to give you a quick giggle at one of the memories Josh and I have of d-day...Literally a few minutes after delivering Logan, Josh looked at me and said-Well, 1 down 3 more to go!! Now you must know I felt nothing during my delivery and my labor was only ruff for 30 or so minutes so I just giggled at him..Our amazing Doctor kindly told him...You better watch what you say!! Little did we know those 3 more would only turn into 1 more (unless there is a twin hiding somewhere in my belly!) 3 years later! I love the memories Logan has brought into our life. The laughter, the tears of joy, the heart warming hugs and kisses and the LOVE... Happy Birthday to the most amazing FOUR year old I know. Mommy loves you to the moon and back a billion times and more!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Random Acts of Kindness

It's a new year. For some it's trying to be a new you. A new diet. A new boyfriend. Whatever it might be, share the LOVE!!! It wasn't until last year that I started doing random acts of kindness. Why did I wait so long! (you must excuse my blog post that should have question marks in them as my question mark key is not working :p ) But really, why doesn't everyone do one random act of kindness at least weekly! I don't have them happen to me often..Very rarely actually. But I could care less about receiving. It's about giving! The feelings I get when I help someone or gift them something is incredible. And its plain as day that people don't see RAOK (random acts of kindness) often, because every time I do one; the person is blown away or I get some crazy look! It's quite funny actually. On Christmas Eve when my son, my mom and my self went to the mall to pass out reindeer guide and candy canes to random kids we got the strangest looks even though we said this is a RAOK. And one day while I asked to pay for the person behind me at Starbucks the cashier took a double take before she grabbed my card. One RAOK that left me giggling was on Christmas Eve when I left our mailman a thing of puppy chow in our mailbox with a note attached "Thank you for all your hard work. Merry Christmas, Enjoy!" I happen to be upstairs in the laundry room when he came and was looking out the window to see his reaction. He took a few looks at the house to see if anyone was outside or looking (to say thanks I'm sure) but he sat for about 3 minutes before he pulled off. I kept wondering what he was doing because we did not have a package.. No, no....He was chowing down on his puppy chow! LoL! It made me smile. A week later he left us a letter in our mailbox thanking us for the "not sure what that was but it was delicious!"
My point is...This world could use a lot more RAOK. I hope you can receive the joy that it has brought me in doing so!

Here are a few ideas of some RAOK:

1-Leave a treat for your mailman
2-Bring some bake goodies to your neighbors
3-Pick up the tab for the person behind you in the drive thru (I always ask the amount, just to make sure it isn't some ridiculous amount like $50.00! ;) )
4-Leave quarters on the gum machines at the mall, grocery store etc
5-Take coloring books to a local children's hospital and pass them around
6-Purchase $5.00 gift cards to Starbucks and randomly pass them out
7-Hold the door for the person behind you and say "Have a great day!"
8-Take water or can soda out to your garbage men
9-If you are expecting a package from UPS,FEDEX etc give them a little treat for the road. (They are hard workers you know!)
10-Make cards for the elderly in a local nursing home. If you have children have them decorate them.
11-Take a thank you card and treats to your local fire station, police station and hospital and tell them you greatly appreciate their hard work.
12-Send someone a card in the mail randomly with out having to be a occasion
13-Take your mom flowers with out it being a occasion
14-Pay someone's lay away bill at walmart or kmart (I do realize this could be pricy, depending on your budget you could always just pay some of it)
15-Call the electric or water company and let them know you would like to pay in full or toward someones electric-water bill. Ask if they can find one that is already pass due
16-Someone you know just have a baby, not feeling good, or stressed..Offer to bring them dinner one night
17-Go to a local playground and pass out $ store coloring books and a few crayons attached. Let the parents know before you approach the children that this is a RAOK.
18-Help the elderly put groceries in their car (Let them know it is a RAOK so they don't think you want to rob them)
19-offer a couple of hours of free babysitting to fellow friends
20-Give care packs to the homeless (travel sized shampoo,conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrush, bar of soap, and a candy bar in a gallon size zip lock bag.)
21-Leave small gift (travel size lotions etc) for your waitress
22-pay someones tolls behind you
23-Don't try to make money off of your old clothing-find someone who really needs the help and donate them.
24-Give your child's teacher a special gift with a card attached with your appreciation.
25-BE GENEROUS WITH COMPLEMENTS!!!
My list could go on but I hope this encourages you to brighten someone's day!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Praying for my child...

When I was young I was brought to church on and off. There would be weeks where we could go every Sunday and then months of spans when we didn't go. Then there would be years. I attended youth group occasionally for in my head it was for the social gathering and yet I don't think I ever walked away with knowledge of the Lord-sadly. Looking back I don't think that was my intention but I didn't have a relationship with God I should have had back then and my flesh was just not focusing on the words the youth Pastor would say. Truthfully I don't think I can re call where I actually felt like I had a personal relationship with God until after my brothers death. Even after it took a few months of pleading everything possible, praying for relief of heartache, praying for the pain to stop, and down right begging on my knees for God to save me. That is when I started to realize I was depending on God for my daily survival of my "new life" after death. As the 4 years and 3 months have passed I have fallen into the deepest love with God. I have a amazing personal relationship with Him. One that I wish I had started many many MANY years ago! Being that I didn't grow up in church, I have been left with out practically any knowledge of God besides the basics most everyone knows. I would continually pray that God would guide my heart on a path that would fill me with everything of Him. I have to say it has been a amazing journey and I would never turn back. God has answered so many prayers.
I think God hears all of our prayers. No matter how small or how big they are. My prayers varied from subject to subject depending on what my heart was needing that day. It wasn't until I started reading The power of a praying wife and the power of a praying parent that I realized.....My prayers NEED to be SO much more!!! That in my heart I knew what I wanted but I didn't quite pray for the specific things the way I should have been. Prayer is a powerful thing..
As I grow in my relationship with Christ every day I can only hope that Logan will grow up continuing to love God as much as he does now. That his heart will continue to thirst for more knowledge of God. I always felt these things but never truly prayed for them. The book the power of a praying parent has truly tought me how to pray. I just wanted to share one of them that gave me comfort in Logan's future in my prayers.
Lord, I pray for (Child's name) to have an ever-increasing hunger for more of You. May he long for Your presence-long to spend time with You in prayer,praise and worship. Give him a desire for the truth of Your word and a love for Your laws and Your ways. Teach him to live by faith and be led by the Holy Spirit, having an availability to do what You tell him to do. May he not have any allegiances or diversions away from You, but rather may he be repulsed by ungodliness and all that is in opposition to You. May a deep reverence and love for You and Your ways color everything he does and every choice he makes. Help him to understand the consequences of his actions. May he not be wise in his own eyes but rather "fear the Lord and depart from evil" (Proverbs 3:7)
This prayer made me realize- I NEED to pray this every day for Logan. I am saddened that my brother's death is what made and gained my relationship with Christ. I pray that Logan's is started from his heart and not his hurt like mine (of course mine grew to my heart thirsting for God!)
I feel that there are so many people out there that are not aware of the power of praying. A prayer from your heart, a true meaningful prayer...It's amazing and the best talk you can ever have with someone (Him!)