Wednesday, September 19, 2012
When I sit back and think of five years from now, I do see what is to come but can't even imagine beyond my vision what God has in store for me. It was a LONG but QUICK five years ago on Saturday that I lost my brother at the age of 23. A day that changed my life forever, pulled me from things, pushed me to things, and forever left a gaping hole in my heart. Five years ago I was 8 weeks pregnant with one of the most amazing gifts God has given me. A child that saved me, healed me, and brought more joy to my life than I could have thought possible for one life to do. His life brought my life back. Through the extreme depression and stress on my body, his pregnancy stuck with not a single problem. Five years ago I went to work happy as could be and went home empty as could be. My days and nights ran together, full of tears and heartache. My alone car rides were pleads and angry yelling at God to take my pain away that felt like it was never going to get better. My marriage that had just begun was weak because I hated him for no reason, but the simple fact he was the easiest person to release on. Five years ago when I would think about how each day quickly ended with out him there was depressing, I couldn't imagine a month, then a month rolled around, then it was 6 months, then a year... You just never imagine 5 years with out someone you love. 5 years is one of those "milestones" that I just never thought of because it was so far away. But yet some how it has quickly come. I never thought I would have so much joy after such heartache. The past five years have been the best years of my life when I think of my blessings. The birth of such a miracle baby boy, 1 out of state move, quit my job to be a SAHM, and now almost 30 weeks pregnant with our second little miracle baby boy. How did I get so lucky?! Five years quickly passed but not a single memory has faded. My life may have "moved on" but he will forever be a HUGE part of my life. His death shaped me into the woman I am today, the relationship I have with God and the strength to push through something like non other. I am so very lucky I was blessed with 20 years to be his sister and to make so many memories with him. Words could not express how much I wish he was here but peace in my heart help me cope with missing him each and every day.