Oh horriable thoughts.....

The past week and a half I can not fall asleep for anything! I lay in bed and constantly think to myself that I might not wake up in the morning. No im not talking about simply rolling out of bed, im talking NEVER wake up! When I was little I used to have horrid fears that my dad would never make it home and I would never get to see him again. ( My parents were divorced and my dad was a over the road driver.) Sometimes I would lay in bed and cry because I was SO afraid that something would happen to him. Now that my brother passed away at such a young age (23) I fear that something is going to happen to me and I wont wake up the next day to my amazing husband and my precious little boy. For the past week or so I just lay there thinking what if i dont wake up? Will Josh know what to do? Will he know when to pay the bills? Will my boys know just how much I loved them? Will Logan replace me with another mommy? I tear up at all those thoughts every night. I have come to a conclusion to help me feel "better" and feel more secure that my boys can live on with out me if something was to happen today,tomorrow, or months from now, that I am going to organize every little thing in our life. Pictures will all be in albums, pictures will be put in frames and displayed, everything will be labled. Now dont get me wrong, I am a VERY organized person as it is but I still dont feel that is enough. I handel pretty much everything in our life as far as bills, budget, grocery shopping, etc. Josh has NO idea how to do any of it and that scares me! He once told me that if something happened to me he wouldnt know what to do when it came to bills etc! He said he didnt even know where I kept them... YIKES! I will write each of my boys a letter that will be sealed tight in my purse until the day something does happen to me. A letter for each of them knowning how much I love them and what I hope for their future. As a mom, and a mom that is SUPER in love with her son, I fear that if I did not make it one day that Logan will grow up not remembering me, or replacing me with a new mommy, or that everything I have taught him will go down the drain. Out of all my worries, leaving my son is by far the biggest fear I have. Writting letters to your loved ones incase you dont make it one day is not anything I ever wanted to do.. I hope no one ever wants to or enjoys it but it is deffiently something that will make me feel more comfotorable if something is to happen to me before Logan is at a age to understand the world and take care of things for himself. My goal is to have everything done by the end of March and each day until then and every day after that I pray that God lets me wake up each day to watch my son grow. I will blog some images after I finish all my organization!

I know you may be thinking I am crazy for even thinking about this but have you ever stepped back and thought... What if I am not here tomorrow?